A major feature of my counseling sessions is where at the very beginning, my client and I agree on the objective of the session; and what we hope to achieve at the end of it. This helps keep us on track and driving towards our agreed objective.
I also make it a duty as we progress to confirm the EXACT outcome they are looking for. So a regular question from me is “What do you want?”
In life generally, nothing trumps having a clear end in view, before embarking on any endeavor.
Bringing it home to our daily interactions with our spouses, it is most helpful to always pause and first establish the end that you are trying to reach. Your destination. Your end goal. Clarify your intention within yourself first.
Before you take on your spouse either in response to their initiative or simply in your daily engagements, be clear about what you intend to achieve.
For example, in trying to handle a quarrel or disagreement, what is your motive: to be reconciled or to be proved right?
Another example is when requesting more input from your spouse ( financially, with house chores, with the children etc ), do you want to genuinely seek their help or are you just trying to point out that you are contributing more than your spouse is contributing?
Or when pointing out a mistake, do you want to help your spouse become a better person or are you just looking for a way to put them down and belittle them? You know, latching on to an opportunity to remind them that they are not good enough.
The importance of this approach hinges on the fact that once you have a goal in mind, that becomes your focus and that goal modulates your approach to whatever issue you are tackling.
So if for example, your intention is to help your spouse curb wasteful spending, that desire will motivate you to not be insultive or critical but to present logical facts aimed at enlightening them to the point of changing their ways.
The place to direct intentional action is primarily your motive. You intention.
Correct that and your words and actions will be less corrosive, less injurious, and more welcoming.
This will also most likely elicit the right response from your partner. Once they do not feel threatened or harassed by you, their response will be better.
The end, therefore, should dictate the means!
HOT TIP:
In addition to being mindful of your goal, ask yourself what kind of response you would like to get from your spouse as you engage with them. Let that advise how you proceed with them.
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Rooting For Your Marital Success,
Dele Bamgboye
