This thing called Marriage

Dele uses this opening chapter of her book to set forth a clear definition of terms: laying down an understanding what marriage is and what it is not. She opens with a startling statement:

‘My decades-long interactions with couples across various ages and cultures have revealed a sobering truth: many people enter marriage without truly understanding its essence.”

How could this be? Are you already in the marriage relationship? What has been your experience in this regard? Are you aspiring to get married someday?

Dele then offers deep insights from the bible about God’s view of marriage from the point of view of One whose idea and creation the marriage institution itself is. It is worthwhile to use this book as a manual directing us to God’s mirror, the standard that He prescribed or created marriage to be. Just like a mirror would help us make adjustments to our dressing and make up, the mirror of God’s word (idea) about marriage will help readers to adjust to God’s idea about marriage, thus preventing what the author has observed:

‘Often, they step into this sacred covenant with distorted views shaped by cultural expectations, societal pressures, or the mistaken belief that marriage is a cure-all for personal incompleteness. These misconceptions have allowed behaviours foreign to the essence of God’s perfect design to not only infiltrate marriages but become normalized and widely accepted.’

After laying down very practical bible-based facts to illustrate her points, Dele concludes the chapter with these thoughts:

‘Marriage is more than a partnership between two people; it is a relationship intricately designed to flourish through love, commitment, and mutual understanding.’

The book is a must read for you to discover this utopic description of what we all are searching for in marriage, an experience that Pastor Dele herself testifies to having been enjoying for 35 years now and counting.

Marriage by Design- God’s Blueprint Unveiled

The author leads us in the second chapter into a study of God’s purpose for marriage. The title of this chapter is suggestive of its contents. Blueprints are graphic representations of what ought to translate to physical edifices when understood, correctly interpreted and made into physical buildings by builders.

In the same way, Dele presents to the readers what she terms God’s design or blueprint for marriage in which she lays out Gods purpose for marriage as revealed in the bible. It therefore behoves the readers to understand God’s purposes for marriage and then come into agreement with God regarding those purposes and His own methods to achieving these purposes.

To do this, the authors Reflection Questions at the end of the chapter helps readers to delve into the chapter concepts and make personal applications and not just gloss over the points, giving mental accent to them as mere lofty ideas.

The chapter’s concluding thoughts say it all:

‘Marriage, while natural in its functions, is profoundly divine in its origins. It is sacred, designed to glorify God, and requires a deep commitment to its principles. Those who seek marriage must embrace its terms and honour its sanctity wholeheartedly.

Understanding the purpose of marriage is like finding a blueprint for a stunning masterpiece. It provides direction and clarity for building something beautiful. But even the best blueprint needs a strong foundation.’

Rock-Solid Beginnings – Starting Marriage Right

In Chapter three, Dele lays down a sober truth: every worthwhile project is preceded by careful preparation if it would succeed. She posits that marriage is not different.

We do not wish for good marriage or happen by good and lasting marriage. She then goes on to buttress this point by likening the marriage institution to the construction of a building:

‘Much like constructing a building, the strength, stability, longevity, and functionality of your marriage depend entirely

on the integrity of its foundation.’

She then goes on to reference and share extensively from the teachings of the Lord Jesus Himself about marriage. She appraises and analyses the understanding of the role of foundations in buildings and physical structures and applies same to marriage as an institution.

Marriages require preparation. They need sound foundations. In the instances that marriages started out on faulty foundations, she gives prescription for correction.

In summary, chapter three explores, in the words of theauthor, ‘how alignment in values, visions, goals, and expectations shapes the foundation of a thriving marriage. But life doesn’t always go as planned. Even the best intentions can be disrupted by unforeseen realities. When that happens, it’s not the end but an opportunity to adjust.’

Marital Sync – Balancing Expectations with Reality

Chapter four deals with the subject of expectations, closely held preconceptions or expectations that couples take into marriage.

It is interesting to note and to learn from this book that some of the expectations are rooted in reality while some are what could be termed fantasies.

Quoting from the author, ‘It’s no secret that everyone enters marriage with a set of expectations. These expectations are shaped by years of programming—our upbringing, experiences, and that dreamy “happily ever after” narrative. From a young age, we all develop ideas about how marriage should be. You likely had expectations about how your spouse would treat you, how your relationship would look, and what your life together would feel like. We all did, and let’s be honest—we still do. Those early days, filled with excitement and hope, are often captured in wedding photos and videos that radiate joy. But… reality has a way of shaking things up!’

The chapter then goes on to do just what the chapter title promises, that is, lead readers in a series of reality checks, in which she exposes what amount to ‘unrealistic expectations.

Each reality check presents a generally held ‘unrealistic’ notion and then goes on to compassionately lead readers to debunk these fallacies.

Whether married or contemplating marriage, couples will benefit immensely from these reality checks. This book will prove to be a go-to manual or workbook that assist couples navigate the complex issues that becloud marriages causing them to come short of what had been the original intention of God for those marriages.

Marriage Recalibration – Embracing the New Normal

Chapter five engages in the nitty gritty of marriage. Married people sometimes see marriage as an end in itself, and so they ‘settle’ once they have attained to the goal of getting married.

This chapter demonstrates to leaders that married couples that require good and satisfying relationships cannot just settle after marriage.

They will need to move from ‘I do’ to what the writer calls ‘recalibration’. By recalibration she implies not settling or taking your relationship for granted, but rather, engaging in consistent daily actions defined by a certain framework to ensure the health of the marriage.

The author then leads readers to the dashboard of this framework of values and daily actions that if faithfully executed by couples would ensure a healthy transition from singleness and doing life alone, to the new normal of living in sync with the demands of married life.

Again, the reflective questions at the end of this chapter serve as both diagnostic and therapeutic tools to help readers have a fair appreciation of the concepts and also facilitate the application of these concept to marriage situations that require needed adjustments to get in sync with the new reality and the demands of the marriage institution.

I will quote the author on this count, thus making her intentions known with clarity:

‘A thriving marriage requires intentional adjustments and course corrections along the way. Whether it’s learning to prioritize your spouse, staying committed, or practicing selflessness, the way you communicate with each other can make or break your relationship.’

Marital Communication – The Pillars and Pitfalls

This chapter deals with the subject of communication in marriage. Here, the author demonstrates how central and vital communication is to marriage. That there will arise challenges and difficulties in many areas of marriage go without question. But the way and manner that we communicate about these issues will either bring about their resolution or further complicate the issues.

According to Dele, ‘the way you communicate can either breathe life into your relationship or deepen its struggles.’ She then goes further in the chapter to sensitively lay down a teaching on thesubject of communication and particularly communication in marriage.

As vital as communication is to the life and health of a marriage, some do ignorantly communicate in a manner that is detrimental to the marriage. So, Dele carefully takes us through what good communication looks like and also shows the pitfalls, where our communication efforts only hurt and not help our marriage. This chapter is loaded with godly wisdom, drawn from the bible and her practical counsels that she has gleaned from her personal life as well as years of marriage counselling and couples mentoring.

Her effort in this chapter goes directly to teach the skills of communication in marriage, but she goes on to counsel:

‘Communication is a skill that improves with practice. As you apply these biblical principles, take it one step at a time. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you both grow together in understanding. Small, consistent efforts in communication can make a profound difference over time. While effective communication helps build emotional connection, it’s just one part of the journey. Deeper aspects of bonding go beyond words. In the next chapter, we’ll explore practical ways to strengthen your emotional connection and nurture intimacy that lasts a lifetime.’

We all need to have a copy of this book and thus carefully study and master the art of good communications in marriage, so that we do not ignorantly use our mouths and attitudes to destroy the marriage that we hope to build, all by ourselves.

Building Emotional Connection – 7 Spices to Rekindle the Spark

The message or teaching in chapter seven alone make it worth owning this book. This is because the author delves into the subject of renewal of love, fun and excitement in marriages, what she calls ‘rekindling the spark’ in marriages.

Life teaches us that those that go into marriage would have found love, such love that would cause them to defy all odds and take on the risk of stepping into the future together as married couples ‘in love’ with each other. But then, love is not to be taken for granted. As the author puts it: ‘Love is delicate. It’s a fragile flame that requires constant tending to keep it alive and burning brightly.’

She then goes on to take readers back on memory lane, casting their minds back to the season when their relationships exuded love and fun. Such love that prompted the next natural progression to marriage. She reminds readers that at that season, they were intentional in nurturing their love.

But subsequent to the event of marriage, people tend to take their relationships for granted. As she puts it: ‘Somewhere along the way—amidst busy schedules, looming deadlines, and the endless demands of life— you stopped being intentional. Slowly, you began to take each other for granted, assuming that love would sustain itself.’

Dele then continues in the chapter to show how readers can relieve their relationships of the toxic burdens that have snuffed off love and excitement from their relationships. In place of these burdens, she advocates the introduction of seven spices to restore excitement and flavour to marriages.

Take the first spice that she introduces for instance, ‘play and recreation’. Surely those are not curse words! But when was the last time that you purposefully took a pause, and, intentionally engaged in play, fun and recreation with your spouse? Little wonder then that you are sitting with burdens instead of the fun that your relationship once was.

The author takes us through six other spices that we may have left on the shelf, and not applied to our relationships as readers, the negligence had only served to our hurt. Get a copy of the book and learn some more.

Guys, Can we Talk?

Dele dedicates this chapter to having a frank engagement with men. She sensitively speaks to men, with biblical based counsel.

She unpacks for men what God’s original thoughts and purposes were in the call for a man to be the husband and leader of the marriage union.

She expounds on the thoughts of servant leadership, the role and model that husband’s ought to be to fully represent Christ in their marriages. Here, the author leads in eye-opening revelations of roles and godly demands of stewardship as a husband that run counter to popular tradition and culture.

In this chapter, Dele gives men ‘a sobering reminder that your role as a husband is not a light one. It demands intentionality, sacrifice, and a heart fully devoted to loving and leading your wife as Christ loved the church.

Providing for your family is not just about meeting financial needs—it’s about creating an environment of love, partnership, and mutual respect. The way you lead your wife, through your actions, words, and heart, directly impacts the health of your marriage and your overall well-being. You are called to lead with wisdom, sacrifice, and a servant’s heart, just as Christ did for the church. This is not a role you can fulfil half-heartedly or by simply conforming to societal expectations. The scriptures are clear, and the responsibility is great.’

Men, adjusting and adhering to the counsel presented in this chapter will save and sweeten your marriage. Go for it!

Ladies, Let’s Talk

This chapter is addressed to women, but men can also glean great insights from it as the author brings the message to women about their God ordained roles in Christian marriage. Here, Dele writes with grace, simplicity and frankness. She puts a thread through various hoops that the bible lays down as the woman’s role in the marriage, not shying away from what many see as controversial.

First, she tackles the s-word head on. Submission… ‘Submission is not about worth or value, nor does it imply superiority or inferiority. It is not about creating two classes of people. Instead, submission is about recognizing and accepting your husband’s God’ Really? How so? You will find out, ladies when you read this chapter.

Furthermore, ladies, did you know that God has graced you with the power of influence? You have an innate power that can influence your husband, positively or negatively. It therefore behoves on you to learn how to wisely apply this power of influence to fulfil your role as your husband’s helper, helping him to realize his god ordained place that will bring blessings to the union.

With this and other nuggets of biblical wisdom, the book teaches women to discover and occupy their God given roles in marriage. Dele in this chapter carefully teaches women about the emotional profile of a man and what he needs from a wife.

She uses personal experience and biblical insights as well as wisdom gleaned from years of counselling practice to guide women to identify and thus position themselves to truly be the wife of her husband’s desire.

This synopsis of chapter nine hardly does justice to the extravagant wisdom and grace that the book presents. Get yourself a copy.

Blind Spots and Deceptions in Marriage

Chapter ten discusses the subject that the author terms as blind spots and deceptions in marriage. She alerts to those matters of character that even though they exist, could lie well-hidden and are hardly noticed, hence the name ‘blind spots. She asserts that:

‘In marriage and relationships, blind spots are those areas of our character that are crucial to the success of our marriage, yet we fail to fully recognize or understand them. These blind spots often go unnoticed, and we are unaware of their impact on our relationships. We all have blind spots, which are shaped by our early experiences and how we perceive, feel, and think.’

The author goes on to discuss issues that often have roots in our past emotional experiences, often in childhood. But these leave a deposit of emotional baggage that we carry through life and bring into our marriages. These ‘blind spots’ often present themselves as the defence and coping mechanisms that we have used in life to deal with past emotional traumas.

But when these blind spots are operational in marriage, they deal devastating blows on the marriage intimacy, preventing wholesome connection with spouse. They get in the way of understanding and resolving problems in the marriage as the blind spots distort the perception of truth and so affect the communication style of the bearer of these blind spots.

On the other hand, this chapter goes on to deal with the inconvenient truth that often surface in marriage relationships: deception. It speaks to the marriage partners that seek to hide the truth and so deal in deception. It also exposes that deception that the enemy of marriages tends to bring about, just to cause confusion and harm to the union.

This chapter presents a deep therapy that promises to uncover and treat many issues that often lie hidden in the background in relationships, but yet exert death blows to the undiscerning relationship. The author does not only uncover blind spots and deceptions, she goes further to lead process to deal with these issues with the intention of bringing healing to affected relationships. This chapter is worth its weight in gold. You need to read the book.

Infidelity

Auch! She writes about the subject of infidelity in chapter eleven.

A book on marriage indeed cannot be complete if there is no mention of infidelity, its root causes and the cure.

Infidelity in previous generations probably presented only as the violation of the sexual integrity of the union by getting sexually involved with a partner or partners other than one’s spouse. But in today’s digital age and social media culture, the subject is broader and more complex. Dele writes:

‘In today’s digital age, infidelity can occur without any physical contact. Activities such as sexting, sharing or exchanging nude pictures, videos, intimate words, and emotions with someone outside your marriage constitute betrayal. These actions are often carried out in secrecy, which explains why some individuals refuse to give their spouses access to their phones, laptops, or other personal devices. Unhealthy digital interactions thrive in secrecy.’

The problem of infidelity is rooted in our base sinful nature.

Chapter eleven leads us to identify the potential traps and tendencies toward infidelity. It presents the situations that could render us prone to infidelity and also guides or teaches on how to stand our ground to avoid falling victim to the wiles of infidelity.

But what if we have fallen victims already, and our relationship is rocking with the devastating effects of infidelity’s aftermath?

What if adultery has already occurred or is ongoing?

The author has this to say:

‘If you find yourself in this painful situation, it’s crucial to approach it carefully and with clarity. Before anything, ensure that you have solid evidence of the affair, not just suspicion.’ She then goes on to lay down practical counsel on how to deal with this unfortunate matter, step by step.

At the end, she counsels:

‘It’s important to seek both legal and biblical counsel to navigate this difficult situation. While adultery is a profound betrayal, remember that with God’s grace, healing is possible. If both partners are willing to address the pain, work through the hurt, and seek forgiveness, restoration can lead to a stronger marriage. Healing is a process that takes time, but with faith, wisdom, and support, it is possible to move forward.’

You need to read this for yourself. It could be a cautionary counsel or corrective one. Knowledge of the counsels from this chapter might just equip you to minister to your circle.

Navigating Marriage Conflict

The author pens this as the opening of chapter twelve, the chapter that deals with the subject of conflict in marriage:

‘One thing is certain: differences of opinion are inevitable in life, especially in marriage. Living in close proximity to another person naturally leads to disagreements. It is unrealistic to expect two individuals to agree on every issue all the time. This is primarily due to the inherent differences in gender, background, temperament, exposure, spiritual maturity, age, values, and interests—all of which influence how we perceive and react to situations.’

This banner paragraph sets the tone for the presentation in this chapter. It talks about the reality of conflict in marriage and goes on to define, identify what constitutes conflict and also goes on to discuss and teach on various approaches to identification and management of conflicts.

The reflection questions at the end of this chapter again serves as a valuable tool to minister to couples that seek to discover, understand and deal truthfully with the conflicts in their relationships with a view to bringing correction and resolution.

Are you in a close relationship? Do not be surprised that conflict does rear its head. You need to deal with it in knowledge and wisdom. This book will prove an invaluable companion as you navigate married life together.